Parenting Tip: Your Child Will Thank You for Saying ‘No’!

Understanding Parenting Styles

It is not easy being a parent. It is an overworked and underpaid position that has long hours and no sick days; however, the benefits far outweigh the late nights and early mornings. The joy of being a parent is the ability to love unconditionally and to cherish and guide your child as best as you can. As a parent, you are your child’s first and foremost teacher and the development of behaviour and values begins at home.

A common comment made by parents is either, ‘I’m always saying no to my child,’ or ‘I don’t know how to say no to my child.’ Barbara Coloroso, a bestselling author and speaker on the areas of parenting, teaching, and school discipline, states that there are three types of parenting styles: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone.

Brick Wall Parenting: The Risk of Rigid Rules

The parents who are a ‘brick wall’ are always saying no, expect obedience, and have rigid rules where children do as they are told without needing to think, as opposed to learning what to think through discussions about family values and role modelling, and then later learning how to think and make choices that are founded in positive values. It is these children who have difficulty making decisions for themselves because they rarely, if ever, have had to make decisions. These are also children who do not feel that they, or their ideas, are valued or respected.

An example from my class was a student who used to say they felt ‘bulldozed’ by their father who, no matter the justification or reasoning, or whether it was something they wanted or not, they did not feel like what they wanted for themselves was important. Despite ‘hating’ (their words) going to Wonderland for their own birthday, and expressing this to their father, this parent insisted on taking them each and every year for their birthday.

Jellyfish Parenting: Too Easy or Unstructured?

Parents who are ‘jellyfish’ are either too concerned with themselves to put forth the time to parent their child (personal issues, psychological issues), or they disregard implementing any guidelines or routines for their child whatsoever. These parents cannot say, ‘no’. These children are not taught consistency, consequences for their behaviors, limits, rules, or routines, which are skills essential to function in school and society. It is these children who feel like they are not valued individuals and have no self-worth.

Backbone Parenting: Balanced and Empowering

The last parenting style which falls between a ‘brick wall’ and ‘jellyfish’ and this is the ‘backbone’ parenting style. These parents understand that there is a balance between rules and freedom. They also know and instil the ˜Six Critical Life Messages’ in their child because after guiding them and teaching them their family values they send the messages that:

• I believe in you
• I trust you
• I know you can handle it
• You are listened to
• You are cared for
• You are important to me

Rather than having children feel that their voices and opinions are not respected, a backbone parent will allow children to make age appropriate decisions. These decisions will not hurt them, but will in fact empower them, make them independent, and help them think for themselves. Age appropriate decisions is the delicate balance that needs to be considered.

An example of how this can be applied at home is by providing a young child with three outfits to choose from. This type of decision is an age appropriate choice for a young child that empowers them to make good choices and gives them confidence. The parent is okay with all of the choices because their good sense will ensure they are warm on a cold day. What these parents understand is that children will make mistakes, but as long as they are safe, they can learn from their mistakes, since there is no true long-lasting harm. This does not mean that a parent with a backbone does not say no, but when they do, it is because they care for their child and saying ‘no’ is for their safety, well-being.

There are many ways to say ‘no’

Backbone parents often use alternatives to ‘no’, such as ‘maybe’, ‘ let me think about it’, ‘perhaps later’, or redirecting them to the positive behaviour (“You may play video games, after you complete your homework and chores.”). Asking for a moment to think, ˜Give me a minute” allows you time to gather your thoughts to ponder your answer so you don’t just answer ‘no’ right away, and when children get older, a good strategy is to ask them ‘Why’, ‘Have you done all your responsibilities first’, or ‘Convince me’ – if they want the responsibility to do something, then they can reason and express why their choice is the right one. There are even times when a child needs you to say no to things they are asking because they do not want to do something, but perhaps their peers are pressuring them. This is a time when parents use their knowledge of their child to make a decision.

In many ways, a Montessori teacher is the parent with a backbone and the Montessori program works with similar principles to develop respectful and civil individuals who are independent, critical thinkers and caring towards others. The Montessori teacher empowers each and every student to believe and trust him or herself and imparts those Six Critical Life Messages to every child, in different ways. The ability for a Montessori child to make choices contributes to the notion that they are trusted to make age-appropriate decisions and they are always guided and cared for by their class community. Montessori teachers use alternate phrases to ‘no’, and like a backbone parent, when no is used, it is because they care for that child enough to say it. While a child may not thank you when they are young, with time and wisdom they will thank you for saying ‘no’ when it mattered!

Written by:

Adrianna Cowdrey

MEd, OCT, Montessori Primary (AMI), Montessori Elementary I and II

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